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Mickey Mouse
Mickey Mouse (born as Michael Vin Mäuse) is an immortal, magical rat who provides entertainment to grown adults year-round, since about 1928. Along with Dumbo, he supported Barack Obama in the 2008 election. His live-in girlfriend, Minnie Mouse did not vote in the 2008 election because she was bitter that Hillary Clinton did not get the nomination. Mickey Mouse was born in 1889 in Germany, but the Vin Mäuse decided to move to America around 1910, and became a naturalized US Citizen in 1925. His name appears to have been changed by immigration officials at the port of Ellis Island when he entered the US. Biography The original Mickey Mouse died of kidney failure in Soledad Prison back in '59. Inmates who were there said that he looked like a 80 year old rodent when he passed away. The replacement Mickey, known as "El Verminoso Impostor" to the illegal immigrant illustrators whom they were secretly hired by Walt Disney, lasted only a few months before he encountered financial difficulties due to an alcohol and sex-fueled lifestyle. Disney, disgusted at his past character's behavior, considered killing off the mouse mascot. Fortunately for the Disney Corporation, another mouse was soon found. 60 years later, he is still there. His appearances on the public have decreased, as newer and even more bland characters have risen to prominence; it has not helped that the ravages of time have taken a toll on his inkless body. But with a good coat of ink and a stout dose of the old "Peppo", he can still rise to the occasion and squeak out with the best of them. ~~"The Real Mickey Mouse: From The Sewers To Magical Hollywood" Fatwa on Mickey Mouse 3gKTabWNs4k Mickey, Disney and The Nazi Connection Converting to Christianity There is some rumor going around that Mickey Mouse is not really a Christian, that the only reason he accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior was in reality a publicity stunt to fool concerned Christian parents. Over the years there had been rumors that Mickey Mouse was in reality a Pagan Satanist, but those files were burned, destroyed, and deleted that's a libural lie! Thanks to his Christian conversion those rumors died out quickly and he made millions from his Christian Consumers. Drug Dealer There is no truth that he was a drug dealer, that is just false information from Disney Haterz like the hippies and gays. The truth is that Mickey was just selling over the counter drugs that didnt require prescription from a factonista doctor, making them safe for consumption. Mickey was known for selling and endorsing Peppo, a wonder drug that could revitalize your mind and body! I must remind you that Peppo was very legal and very good for your body! So you cant accuse Mickey of being a Drug Dealer if his products were legal and harmless. But the liburals had to take the fun out of it; they wanted to criminalize the consumption and sale of Peppo. They had this crazy idea that Peppo was harming stimulating the black community (which was Mickey's biggest target consumers). See, liburals hate black people! In any case, he never sold any cases of Peppo on America, instead he sold all the stuff in Africa, making millions in gold, blood diamonds, and slaves... those blacks really do love their Peppo. King Mickey Mouse I Mickey's First Crusade: The Conquest of California The 1950's was a period of great growth and prosperity for Mickey and Disney. Walt Disney believed it was time for them to secure a Headquarters for the Disney Corporation and their studios, so they could secure their hold on power. At first Disney tried to secure some properties in Hollywood but at the time Hollywood was a land of debauchery and gayness (and still is), an unlikely place to establish their Kingdom of Racial Purity. Mickey had a plan so he took his idea to Joseph McCarthy. Mickey convinced McCarthy that California needed to be reconquered, at the time the State was already under the control of Gays and Mexicans, not to mention that the Hollywood Elite had a total control of the Government. Mickey persuaded McCarthy that he had proof that Hollywood was run by Gay Communists and that they were using their Hollywood Star Power to produce Leftists Communist Propaganda to recruit innocent Americans. Convinced, Dwight D. Eisenhower approved of the invasion of California and soon Disney established The Disney Fortress of Doom, a military base with a watchful eye on Hollywood . It is believed that during the invasion, a lot of Illegal Mexicans were kidnapped and forced to work under Disney as animators, janitors, maintenance guys, and park mascots mysteriously disappeared. The Disney Fortress of Doom was renamed The Disney Fortress of Friendship in 1955. The Fortress continues to house a large military presence in California but it also experienced some changes as it was also turned into an amusement park and a film studio. Disney wanted his new HQ to become the center of entertainment that would rival decadent and debauch Hollywood (but without the sleaze). The Disney Fortress of Friendship is considered to be one the biggest and most heavily armed military bases in history (with the largest complementary entertainment resort and film studios). For this reason it continues to be the location of The Disney Corporation Headquarters. No invading force has been able to take the Fortress so far. Mickey's Second Crusade: La Reconquista de la Florida With the large profits that Mickey made from selling "Peppo", he then used his wealth to finance Disney's entertaining empire which increased Mickey's wealth ten times what he had. With the success of the Disney Studio, Mickey decided that it was time to expand the Disney franchise. Mickey, with the help of his friends, invaded the land of Florida in 1964. Mickey's troops conquered many territories, the sacking of Florida caused a widespread shortage of oranges. Mickey established and founded his own kingdom which he named it "The Magic Kingdom" but is also known as "The Kingdom of Disneyland". Mickey was Crowned "King Mickey The Mouse I" thus creating the first Monarchy in America. Mickey's Fiefdom was brutal, 9 out of 10 animators died each day, there was a shortage of ink on the kingdom (thanks to the King's monopoly), and red ink flooded the streets of The Magic Kingdom like a river; the Iron Fist of Mickey was brutal, making Hitler Papa Disney very proud. The American government was not happy with Mickey's invasion of Florida and gave him a stern ultimatum, the US army soon took over the State of Florida and Mickey was soon arrested and send to prison Mickey not wanting to cause an international scandal decided to donate a large portion of his wealth so he could buy off the lands that he conquered. America accepted his gifts under certain conditions and the "Disneyland-American Treaty of 1969" was signed. Florida was liberated but a large portion of land was set aside for Mickey as his private property so he could establish his semi-private kingdom. By 1971 the US Government recognized "The Kingdom of Disneyland" as a Sovereign Nation. However, under the treaty with the US Mickey could only be a King in name only. So The Kingdom of Disneyland was established as a Democratic Parliamentary government, with King Mickey as a figurehead. Mickey then converted his kingdom into an amusement park so he could continue to be lavished on his decadent lifestyle. According with CIA records, it is suspected that the reason that King Mickey attacked Florida was because it was actually a CIA cover operation. The CIA wanted Mickey to establish a fortress so it could store nucular weapons that were aimed at Cuba. Fidel Castro got wind of the operation and tried to stop Mickey with the invasion of Florida with a small mercenary unit but he failed. The botched event is known as El Incidente de Boca Raton. After Castro's blunder, Mickey decided that Florida wasnt safe as long as the Cubans occupied America's Penis. So he authorized the massacre of all Cubans all over Florida, the massacre is known as Mickey's Fun Club House Massacre. It is believed a lot of Cubans were killed under the hands of Mickey's forces. The CIA justified their deaths are justifiable, they believed many of the killed Cubans were actually spies and Castro supporters. Mickey's Third Crusade: The Land of The Rising Hentai King Mickey always wanted to invade Japan as far as 1936, ever since he heard of Japan's form of Animation (he also learned that the Japanese hated him for some reason). His first invasion in 1936 resulted in a humiliating defeat. Mickey swore revenge on the Japanese someday. King Mickey had plans for a second invasion of Japan in 1941, but he canceled his plans after he learned that Japan was going to bomb Pearl Harbor. It was better to leave the US Army to do the dirty work for him (fun trivia, guess "who" suggested that we should nuke Japan during WWII?). After the War, Japan's economy and technology was starting to become a great threat during the 1960-1980's. At the time America was afraid that Japan was becoming too powerful and that they could become a National threat, but the real threat didnt start until it manifested in the form of Anime and Hentai. Japan realized that they could become an economic and technological powerhouse, but all of their money and technology could never get them what they really wanted, world recognition. They realized that at the time America ruled the world with their greatest superpower, American Culture: Rock and Roll, Coca Cola, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Baseball, Elvis, etc... and what did Japan have? Sushi, pocky, tofu-candy, calpis, green tea ice cream, whaleburgers, old aged samurais, and Karaoke. Unless Japan became a cultural powerhouse just like America, they would have no other choice but to admit failure and commit Seppuku, whatever that is. During the 60's Anime and Hentai was unknown to America but it was very popular in Japan. In fact it was so popular that the Japanese Government found that they could use it to brainwash the masses. So Japan used an aggressive campaign to introduce their insidious oriental cartoons into America but it failed. The Emperor of Japan, Otaku IV, demanded "Tokyo Anime Labs" to rework the Anime concept until they could come up with a product that could appeal to western tastes... so they did and they tried to invade America's shore with Anime and Hentai in 1980... When The Greatest Communicator learned of the Japanese Plan to destroy America's cartoon industry and corrupt the mind of our children with Anime and Hentai, the Gipper sought help from Mickey. King Mickey accepted enthusiastically, he was looking for an excuse to invade Japan ever since his defeat in 1936. King Mickey launched a sneak attack in Tokyo Bay, but the Japanese were ready for him. Casualties were massive, the Japanese used Tentacle Monsters, Maidos, Mechas, and Magical Girls to stop Mickey's invading forces. Even with all the power and fortune of the Disney Empire, it wasn't enough to destroy Anime and Hentai. In 1983 Mickey was able to establish The Happy Funtime Longtime Park Castle in Tokyo, from there Mickey's forces were able to push back Japan's Gundams and their Nekomimis. It soon became apparent that it was a stalemate, it seemed like America would be forced to nuke Japan again to stop the hentai threat, but Mickey was able to negotiate a truce with the Emperor of Japan. Disney knew that they could never flood the Japanese market with Western or American cartoons, not as long as the Japanese were still addicted to their Anime and Hentai. So Disney negotiated a compromise with Japan: To prove once and for all which one was superior in the animation world. This lead to the "Cartoons Vs Anime Arms Race". While Japan worked to change their Anime/Hentai to appeal to Western tastes, Disney was working to rework his creation to appeal to Japanese tastes... the War against Anime/Hentai continues to this day... Because of the 'Disney-Nippon Treaty of 1985', the Anime/Hentai/Cartoon Cold War can only be fought in movies, tv screens, comic and manga pages, the Series of Tubes, and the occasional comicon. While it is not a Hot War it has claimed many lives to this day in the form of brain aneurysms, seizures, delusional madness, and dumbing of the public masses with the constant bombarding of cartoons, hentai, and anime on the innocent victims of this war of cultures. King Mickey appointed his Half-brother, Oswald Rabbit, to spearhead the Disney Castle in Japan as the Supreme Commander of the Cartoonish Powers. To the Japanese, Oswald is known as a Gaijin Shogun. According with CIA files, the reason that George H. W. Bush puked on the Prime Minister of Japan during a state dinner, was a form of payback and not an accident. Papa Bush never forgave the Japanese for introducing Tentacle Monsters into America. * Fun Fact: In 2001 on response to a possible Terrorist Attack, Japan asked King Mickey to establish an Naval Base on Tokyo Harbor to stop Allahzilla (a long distant cousin of Godzilla). The DisneySea Navy so far has stopped Allahzilla as well as Pirates of the Caribbean from plundering Tokyo. Mickey's Fourth Crusade: Le Souris Peste In 1992 George H. W. Bush was actually furious with the French (who isnt?), so he asked Mickey to invade France and to establish a Disney Castle in Paris. Mickey and Disney declined, they did not want to mingle with the French, let alone Europe. But The Greatest President Ever, Senior insisted. He was afraid that the European Union could cause a new Wave of Socialism and bring their Eurotrash culture into America's shores. After The Greatest President Ever, Senior blackmailed convinced Mickey that it was essential for America to take Paris from the Frenchies. Mickey reluctantly sent his troops and were able to take over Paris easily (the French surrendered, of course). George H. W. Bush was hoping to replace French culture and tastes with American culture if they could eliminate it with America's superior culture. The plan was that The European Disney Castle would be the center of America's culture and it would spread all over France and then to the rest of Europe... Mickey believed that the plan would work, but then he was surprised by an unexpected element. Mickey's troops were met with surprise resistance from a small Gallic village. Before Mickey's forces could take over all of France, there was a small barbarian force protecting a small portion of French territory since ancient Gallic times. These barbarians established an amusement park of their own, Parc Astérix and they proved to be difficult to defeat... Mickey launched an aggressive corporate takeover but the barbarians refused to sell, so Mickey decided to built a wooden wall around them and just ignore them. EuroDisney Castle still stands to this day but it proved to be a failure. Mickey and Disney soon realized too late that they could never eliminate French culture, because one is born French! According with CIA files, Walt Disney had actual plans to invade Europe in 1972, but then he discarded those plans... he believed European Intellectuals would never embrace Cartoon Imperialism. Mickey's Fifth Crusade: The Hong Kong Treaty When The United Kingdom of Britain lost control of Hong Kong in 1997 by the Chinese, that didnt sit well with America. Hong Kong was a Capitalist Paradise, probably the last outpost of Capitalism and Freedom in Communist China! Under secret orders from Bill Clinton, Mickey tried to launch a crusade to rescue Hong Kong from Communist hands but then Mickey was forced to stop his invasion. Because of the Lewinsky scandal (and the failure of Bill to keep it on his pants), plans for the invasion was canceled... it would take another administration to finish what was started. When The Greatest President Ever was elected, the fist thing he did was invade Iraq reclaim Hong Kong. So Mickey restarted his invasion forces and established a new Disney Castle in 2005. The Chinese Disney Castle was actually smaller and housed a weaker force within its walls. By then China and America were frenemies (the Chinese owned a lot of the Disney Corporation)... so rather than an invasion it was actually a buyout. Mickey's Sixth Crusade: Red, White, and Blue Dawn in Shanghai When President Obama the Mooslim Tyrant took office, he indicated that he has grand plans to conquer the world for America. Obama wanted to maintain America's power in the middle east, but he also wanted to keep an eye on our Chinese Masters just in case. Since the wars on Iraq, Afghanistan, and Iran were consuming too much of our resources and troops he decided that he needed help from King Mickey to deal with "The Chinese Problem". King Mickey was concerned with this new crusade, his troops were already streched too thin all over the world but he had no choice. The reason that King Mickey accepted Obama's request was that he wanted to silence past criticism that Mickey was a racist, specially with black people, as he desperately needed to increase sales from black consumers. Since the sale of Peppo was illegal, Mickey was forced to redesign his image so that he could appeal to a blacker audience that he loves black people! For the first time King Mickey joined forces with Blackwater and they set their base in Shanghai in 2009. The occupation of Hong-Kong proved to be too easy, because by then the Hong-kongistas were already speaking American for centuries. But Shanghai was as different matter, they didnt speak American at all! Worst, they used squiggly lines as their form of writing! The Mexican labor workers that Disney kidnapped hired were useless, so he was forced to kidnap hire mandarins. It is projected that their base of operations will go operational in 2013 (Mickey promised Obama that they could retake China by 2012, but he didnt want the mooslim to be easily reelected). The Chinese are claiming that they are just leasing their land to King Mickey, ha! We will see who is leasing who once we pay off all of our debt! Life In Politics Family *Farfour: Mickey's long distant cousin. Disney has recently disowned Farfour once he learned that Farfour was worshiping Islam, the wrong religion a very good and just religion but it doesnt have Jesus. *Mortimer Mouse: The estranged fraternal twin brother of Mickey. While Mickey dogged drafters during WWII went on to fame and fortune, Mortimer fought in France during the Second World War. He suffered an injury when a German Panzer tank ran over his foot. He is currently collecting government checks and is a fulltime Welfare Queen/Angry Vet. *Oswald Rabbit: Mickey's half bastard brother. *Walt Disney *Donald Duck *Harem of Faeries *Fallen Princesses See Also *Disney's California Adventure *Disneyland *Disney Channel *Disney Corporation External Tubes *How Mickey helped to establish The Disney Empire *Mickey Mouse hires Pedobear: He just loves children!